South Dakota Sucks Balls

S.D. House Approves Abortion Ban Bill

http://news.yahoo.com/fc/us/abortion_rights_debate

Next up for South Dakota?

1. Passing "The Earth Is Flat" bill.
2. Revoking women's right to vote.
3. Becomes world's largest importer of metal coat-hangers.

Congratulations South Dakota! You have proven yourself to be the most backwards, timid, primitive, close-minded state in the union! You officially suck!

Please secede immediately! We no longer want you as part of the United States.

In other news...FUCK YOU SOUTH DAKOTA!


M. PotPie

Chubby Squirrel

Once upon a time, deep in an olde Irish forest, lived Chubby Squirrel. Chubby came from a long line of famous squirrels (though in truth the most famous of his relatives would come long after Chubby: Fat Squirrel, who was immortalized on the label of a fine beer from New Glarus) and was worried that he wasn't going to live up to the other's expectations.

For you see, Chubby was average. And he was a chronic masturbator.

Now as you might know (and if you don't, I'm telling you now) averageness can be overcome. Some of the most exceptional people (and squirrels) in history started out average, but overcame their averageness to achieve greatness. The Black Squirrel of York comes to mind, as does Cheeky the Lame. Oh, and Tails McSquirrel, who not only had to overcome averageness but Scottishness as well.

Chronic masturbation on the other hand...well, that's a bit harder (no pun intended) to deal with.

But one magical day, Chubby was given the opportunity to show his worth, to show that he could achieve greatness, if only for a moment.

On the magical day, the sun rose green. That's right, green. That's how you know it's magical. Anyway, the sun rose green and warm, turning the forest..well...greener than usual, let's say. Chubby emerged from his nest and yawned, absently scratching at his testicles as he was wont to do after waking. This aroused him, of course, and he felt his first erection of the day begin to grow. He was about to turn around and go back into his nest (for all the masturbating he did Chubby was not an exhibitionist) when he saw a sight on the ground that paralyzed him with fear:

A baby squirrel had fallen from it's nest and it lay on the ground, crying. Looking up Chubby saw a hawk sitting on it's perch, looking down at the baby squirrel, licking it's beak. Chubby had a choice to make: Masturbate, or save the baby?

For Chubby this was a difficult choice. The compulsion to tweak his tail (that's what squirrels call masturbation, go ask one if you don't believe me) was strong, very strong, and he debated with himself whether he had time to do both. No, he thought, I guess not. With his erection growing by the second, Chubby leapt from his tree just as the hawk dove from it's perch. What happened next has been retold throughout the ages as one of the bravest acts in Squirreldom.

Chubby reached the baby squirrel just before the hawk and covered the baby with his body. From the trees it appeared that the hawk pulled up short, squawked twice and then flew away as fast as he could, looking over his shoulder in fear.

What really happened? Well, this is the story the hawk told over a bottle of whiskey (after that day the hawk drank himself to death):

"So there I was, sitting on my perch when I sees this little squirrel, the perfect breakfast, you know? So I dives at him, but just before I get there this other freakin' squirrel dives on top of the baby. I thought he was trying to save him, right? And I'm thinkin' great, I get two meals out of this, I can take the day off, right? But that freakin' squirrel wasn't trying to save the little one. Hell, I don't even think he knew I was there. As I dove in closer, getting ready to grab both them squirrels, I see the big one has a huge frickin' boner and he's grabbing the little one from behind! I freaked out! I didn't know what to do, so I flew away and came to the bar. That is one sick fucking squirrel, man. I wouldn't eat any squirrels if I were you. That's a disgusting species right there."

So you see, averageness can be overcome. Don't be afraid to be who you are.

The End.


M. PotPie

Sorry, Women

South Dakota Senate passes abortion ban bill

http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/22/dakota.abortion.ap/index.html

Just as we feared. Now with Alito and Roberts on the bench....our choices and freedoms will be taken away.

And by the way, if you happen to be pro-life and happen to be reading this, please hesitate before lambasting me and praying for me to rot in hell. I don't like abortion; I'm not a proponent of it. But it's not up to me to tell anyone what to do with their bodies and not my place to judge them. It's not yours, either.

So please, put your bibles away, shut the fuck up and go cure cancer or hunger or something.

Oh, and just remember, the overturning of Roe v. Wade is the first step in a return to theocracy and the elimination of most of our personal freedoms.


M. PotPie

Ah!

Today, I feel good. I feel good today. Any way you say it, it sounds nice. I decided to sleep in today and run errands after that. I didn't get to work until 10:30 and no one seemed to care. When my alarm went off this morning instead of hitting snooze (as I normally would, sometimes as many as eight times) I shut it off. Oscar looked at me, wagged his tail once (thumped, I should say) and put his head back down. I scratched behind his ears and closed my eyes again.

It's amazing what a little rest during the week can do for you. But was it the rest...or was it the fact that I was missing work to get it?

If it is the fact that I'm missing work...does that mean I truly hate my job and I'm only happy when I'm not there?

And if that's true..well, I guess that does not make me unique, but instead lumps me together with most of humanity. Either way I feel good. It almost feels like Spring.


M. PotPie

Irony?

This is an excerpt from a news story I read on Yahoo about Iraq vehemently rejecting the U.S. and Britain's warning about having a sectarian government:

"His comments were echoed less bluntly on Tuesday by Straw, who said after a meeting with President Jalal Talabani that Iraq's parliamentary elections in December showed that no single group can dominate Iraq's new political landscape.
"This is a crucial moment today for the people of Iraq. We had the elections on December 15th. We've now had the final accredited results. What they show is that no party, no ethnic or religious grouping can dominate government in Iraq," Straw said.
"This therefore gives further impetus to what Iraqis tell us they want, which is a government of national unity bringing together all the different elements of Iraqi society."
While Arab Sunni participation in the polls raised hopes that peaceful politics could defuse the Sunni insurgency, voting patterns suggested ballots were cast based on sect, not political and economic programs offered by candidates."

Isn't that what we want here?

Doesn't this describe, perhaps exactly, what we don't have?

Why should our government want this so bad for Iraq, but when it comes time to vote in the house and senate...they vote along party (sectarian) lines?

Perhaps irony was the wrong word for the title of this post. Perhaps it should be titled:

Hypocrisy.


M. PotPie

Snow Day

So.....I have a question for the smart people, the logical people:

Is the following reasoning sound at all?

Ok, so, we're getting a blizzard tomorrow. The weather people say there's a 100% chance that we'll get 5-9 inches of snow, sleet and freezing rain. Mr. PotPie, you live 35 miles away, so why don't you drive in tomorrow and we'll see what happens with the weather. If it gets really bad we'll send you home early. In the blizzard.

WTF?!

So I drove in yesterday, and about 40 minutes after arriving the blizzard hits. Just like the weather people said. Within one hour there's already four inches of snow, along with thunder and lightning. Yes, thunder and lightning. In a blizzard. It was freaky, to say the least, but cool as hell. So after waiting another two hours, they send me home.

During the worst part of the blizzard. Thirty to forty mile an hour wind, snow, sleet, thunder and lightning. I could see maybe, maybe ten feet in front of me. It took me over two hours to get home. Thankfully I have a truck and four wheel drive. There is no way in hell I would have made it home in a car. The snow was too high on the road from the wind making it drift.

Fuckers! I can't believe they made me come in and then sent me out in what could very well be the worst weather I've ever seen. I hate them. So how do I show them I hate them?

I made matzo ball soup and brought it in for everyone. Hah! That'll show 'em!


M. PotPie

Okay, here he is.

Humpday

I'm taking a break from the political, observational and downright weird today. Instead of that crap, I give you Oscar.

You may worship him.

Vital stats:

Born August 12, 1995 (same day as me)
Rhodesian Ridgeback/Irish Wolfhound mix.
Currently 85 pounds
Totally awesome.


M. PotPie

And So It Begins

First, read this:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060214/ap_on_go_su_co/scalia_constitution

And then think about it.

By dismissing the so-called "Living Constitution" (and dismissing evolution in the process...a thinly veiled evangelical leaning) Justice Scalia has fired the first salvo at freedoms we currently enjoy and justly so: The right of women to choose and the right to be true to ourselves and love whomever we choose.

These are people who see abortion as birth control and murder, with no thought of the mother-to-be or her health. Who see homosexuality as a choice or lifestyle, not a natural state at all. Most of these people also believe the world was created in six twenty-four hour days.

He claims that "there can be no room for personal, political or religious beliefs" in his judicial philosophy. That's total horseshit. It's impossible to be completely impartial, to be completely neutral. A nice ideal, yes, but not at all a reality.

We are stuck with these justices until they die or retire. We have no say in what they do or how they rule. In this matter we have no vote, no voice...and no hope. Am I wrong to despair? Perhaps. I certainly hope so. But looking at the current makeup of the highest court in the land, looking at the current adminstration and knowing that the president believes that god speaks directly to him and that he's doing god's work...well, that frightens me. Knowing that this Federalist Society is now in control of the supreme court and has the ability to change laws already on the books (i.e. Term Limits)....that frightens me as well.

This is supposed to be a day for love, romance and happiness.

Instead we've been given intolerance, fear and absolutism.


M. PotPie

Update

I would like to inform you that the pineapple was indeed still there last night. At approximately 5:50pm Central time I moved the possibly magic pineapple from the side of the road to the bed of my truck, where it now resides. It appears to be undamaged. I'm not sure how to proceed at this point.

In response to Chicken's demand that I take a photo and post it...well, not all of us have a fancy, schmancy new digital camera. However, the credit union is in possession of a camera...and perhaps I could borrow that. Although I'd have to have our marketing guru e-mail the picture as I don't have the necessary software on my pc and I do not have the authority to install it.

Life's a bitch.

So...do I set up an altar or what?


M. PotPie

Huh?

It's winter here in Wisconsin. That means it's cold, snowy, windy...altogether fairly unpleasant most of the time. Which makes the item I saw on the side of the road today all that more remarkable and confusing. I have to say that it would be odd and confusing anyway, the item being what it is, but the fact that it was twelve degrees outside this morning makes it, to me at least, a bit remarkable.

This morning, on the shoulder of Highway 49, laying in the gravel and ice....

was a pineapple.

At roughly sixty miles an hour it looked whole and undamaged, though undoubtedly frozen. How on Earth did a pineapple get there? Most likely someone threw it out their window, seeing as no one walks down the highway (well, no one in their right mind, anyway), but why would they do that? Why throw a pineapple out the window? I can't wrap my mind around it.

Because I cannot come up with a logical explanation for this phenomenon (and that's really what it is) I've decided that this is what happened:

In the year 1677, a young man named Kika was walking along the shore near his village on Moloka'i. It was a gorgeous Hawaiian afternoon, but a bit hot. Kika thought a fresh pineapple would be delicious, so he wandered inland to the grove of pineapple trees that his tribe tended. He found a tree with suitably ripe fruit, climbed up the trunk and cut down a fragrant, juicy pineapple. After descending with the pineapple, Kika took a closer look at it, and decided it was the nicest, juciest pineapple ever. It was, in fact, the perfect pineapple. Kika said a thank-you to Kane, the god of forests and trees, and cut into the pineapple.

What Kika didn't know was that Kane had chosen that moment to inhabit that particular pineapple. Who knows why, and how should we? Can anyone claim to know the mind of Hawaiian gods? At any rate Kane was not happy that Kika cut into his flesh, and in a moment of panic and rage he teleported both the pineapple and Kika to present day Waupun, Wisconsin.

Needless to say, Kika freaked out and ran. As he was dressed in a simple grass skirt, he died rather quickly of exposure to the cold and wind and was eaten by coyotes. Kane said a prayer for the pineapple and teleported back to Hawaii. The pineapple stayed fresh on the side of highway 49 for some time.

Was it ever picked up? Who knows.

But you can bet your ass I'll be looking for it on my way home tonight.


M. PotPie

Oh! No, I don't remember....

I had the best idea for a post yesterday while sitting on the toilet and dropping a deuce. But I've since forgotten it. It was one of those "Oh! That's perfect!" ideas, too. And now it's gone, flushed away like so much once-proud food that your body has masticated, swallowed, sucked the nutrients out of and converted to fecal matter.

I spent a good portion of my thirty-five minute drive to work racking my brain, trying desperately to remember the idea so that I could share it with you...and I have failed. I humbly beg your forgiveness and ask you instead to slog through this second-rate posting.

Oh! To remember!

To recall! To share the joy!

Instead...it is lost.

Would it be too much?

Impossible? Maybe so.

It could be the Green....

M. PotPie

Anonymous Candy

When I got to work this morning I found a bag of Valentine's Day candy on my desk. There was no note, no name, nothing to indicate who it came from. It contains the following:

1: 5 Hershey's Kisses
2: 2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
3: 1 KitKat "Conversations" (LOOK FOR A SPECIAL MESSAGE INSIDE!)
4: A bag of several candy hearts with fairly unintelligible messages. ( E Mar, All Stap, You, Cut Me, You & M)

I'm keeping the one that says Cut Me. I'm tempted to open the Kit Kat to see what the special message could possibly be (perhaps Eat Me?), but it's far too early for Kit Kat eating.

But this strange bag of candy does bring up an interesting question..actually two.

1: Who the hell is this from?
2: Should I eat it? (And does eating it imply something beyond satisfying my sweet tooth?)

Ok, that was three questions, bite me.

I just ate some of the candy. I may be doomed.


M. PotPie

An Evangelical Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land not very far from here, unless you consider six miles to be very far, lived a clan of Jesus. They built a very fine house and invited everyone they met to come see it.

"Come and see our house!" They would say. "Isn't it lovely? We built it with love, you know. Love and donations."

The Elder of the clan was named Barney and he was the best prayer they had. He had more prayer points than anyone else in any clan in any land. Barney was certainly more holy than you or I and people became very jealous of him. A man at a bar once said:

"That Barney has prayers coming out of his ass. I hate that fuckin' guy."

He was a vulgar man and not central to this story so we shall move on without him.

One day a group of thugs and gays came by the clan's very fine house shouting slogans and, can you believe it? asking for equality! Some of the younger members of the Jesus clan ran to the basement to get Barney and tell him what was going on outside. Barney told them not to worry, that he would take care of it, that he had the perfect prayer for the interlopers. So he finished the lesson he was teaching the new recruits, pulled up his pants and went outside, armed with the perfect prayer:

The Prayer of Intolerance.

The thugs and gays were making an awful racket (some of them had bullhorns) and they were shrieking for equality. Barney calmly folded his hands and called upon Jesus to not tolerate this riff-raff and send them packing.

Jesus descended from Heaven on a fluffy white cloud. Soft music was playing (the muzak version of Freebird). He was draped in a rebel flag and had a magical mullet topped by a halo. Jesus smote the thugs and gays and sent them to hell.

This, Barney thought, is the true power of prayer. Jesus waved to Barney as he ascended back to heaven. Barney smiled. The Jesus clan smiled. All was well.

The End.

I feel something odd in the air, a different sort of vibration...an "unsettling". Revolution is at hand. Our country stands on the brink of collapse, of a return to theocracy, a modern day Crusade.

Our only weapon is the vote, and even that right is under attack, has been rendered almost meaningless. So what do we do when all means of protest and dissent are outlawed? What do we do when the Federalist movement takes over the Supreme Court, when all things are viewed through the filter of the original constitution, minus any amendments, minus the Bill of Rights?

No more presidential term limits? Oh yes, they could do it. Mr. Alito may have been the last piece of the puzzle.

I fear the future that is at hand.

Perhaps it's time to organize...or maybe it's already too late.