An Evangelical Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land not very far from here, unless you consider six miles to be very far, lived a clan of Jesus. They built a very fine house and invited everyone they met to come see it.

"Come and see our house!" They would say. "Isn't it lovely? We built it with love, you know. Love and donations."

The Elder of the clan was named Barney and he was the best prayer they had. He had more prayer points than anyone else in any clan in any land. Barney was certainly more holy than you or I and people became very jealous of him. A man at a bar once said:

"That Barney has prayers coming out of his ass. I hate that fuckin' guy."

He was a vulgar man and not central to this story so we shall move on without him.

One day a group of thugs and gays came by the clan's very fine house shouting slogans and, can you believe it? asking for equality! Some of the younger members of the Jesus clan ran to the basement to get Barney and tell him what was going on outside. Barney told them not to worry, that he would take care of it, that he had the perfect prayer for the interlopers. So he finished the lesson he was teaching the new recruits, pulled up his pants and went outside, armed with the perfect prayer:

The Prayer of Intolerance.

The thugs and gays were making an awful racket (some of them had bullhorns) and they were shrieking for equality. Barney calmly folded his hands and called upon Jesus to not tolerate this riff-raff and send them packing.

Jesus descended from Heaven on a fluffy white cloud. Soft music was playing (the muzak version of Freebird). He was draped in a rebel flag and had a magical mullet topped by a halo. Jesus smote the thugs and gays and sent them to hell.

This, Barney thought, is the true power of prayer. Jesus waved to Barney as he ascended back to heaven. Barney smiled. The Jesus clan smiled. All was well.

The End.