Chubby Squirrel

Once upon a time, deep in an olde Irish forest, lived Chubby Squirrel. Chubby came from a long line of famous squirrels (though in truth the most famous of his relatives would come long after Chubby: Fat Squirrel, who was immortalized on the label of a fine beer from New Glarus) and was worried that he wasn't going to live up to the other's expectations.

For you see, Chubby was average. And he was a chronic masturbator.

Now as you might know (and if you don't, I'm telling you now) averageness can be overcome. Some of the most exceptional people (and squirrels) in history started out average, but overcame their averageness to achieve greatness. The Black Squirrel of York comes to mind, as does Cheeky the Lame. Oh, and Tails McSquirrel, who not only had to overcome averageness but Scottishness as well.

Chronic masturbation on the other hand...well, that's a bit harder (no pun intended) to deal with.

But one magical day, Chubby was given the opportunity to show his worth, to show that he could achieve greatness, if only for a moment.

On the magical day, the sun rose green. That's right, green. That's how you know it's magical. Anyway, the sun rose green and warm, turning the forest..well...greener than usual, let's say. Chubby emerged from his nest and yawned, absently scratching at his testicles as he was wont to do after waking. This aroused him, of course, and he felt his first erection of the day begin to grow. He was about to turn around and go back into his nest (for all the masturbating he did Chubby was not an exhibitionist) when he saw a sight on the ground that paralyzed him with fear:

A baby squirrel had fallen from it's nest and it lay on the ground, crying. Looking up Chubby saw a hawk sitting on it's perch, looking down at the baby squirrel, licking it's beak. Chubby had a choice to make: Masturbate, or save the baby?

For Chubby this was a difficult choice. The compulsion to tweak his tail (that's what squirrels call masturbation, go ask one if you don't believe me) was strong, very strong, and he debated with himself whether he had time to do both. No, he thought, I guess not. With his erection growing by the second, Chubby leapt from his tree just as the hawk dove from it's perch. What happened next has been retold throughout the ages as one of the bravest acts in Squirreldom.

Chubby reached the baby squirrel just before the hawk and covered the baby with his body. From the trees it appeared that the hawk pulled up short, squawked twice and then flew away as fast as he could, looking over his shoulder in fear.

What really happened? Well, this is the story the hawk told over a bottle of whiskey (after that day the hawk drank himself to death):

"So there I was, sitting on my perch when I sees this little squirrel, the perfect breakfast, you know? So I dives at him, but just before I get there this other freakin' squirrel dives on top of the baby. I thought he was trying to save him, right? And I'm thinkin' great, I get two meals out of this, I can take the day off, right? But that freakin' squirrel wasn't trying to save the little one. Hell, I don't even think he knew I was there. As I dove in closer, getting ready to grab both them squirrels, I see the big one has a huge frickin' boner and he's grabbing the little one from behind! I freaked out! I didn't know what to do, so I flew away and came to the bar. That is one sick fucking squirrel, man. I wouldn't eat any squirrels if I were you. That's a disgusting species right there."

So you see, averageness can be overcome. Don't be afraid to be who you are.

The End.


M. PotPie