Hamlet & Me

"To be or not to be, --that is the question:--Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to sufferThe slings and arrows of outrageous fortune; Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?"

While Hamlet was speaking of suicide here, I am not. But I am speaking of a different kind of death; the death of a relationship.

I have a girlfriend (stupid word, but there it is). I love this woman. She's one of the few people I've met in my life that can keep up with me in every capacity (and passes me in plenty). I would have children with this woman. But there's a problem.

She reads my blog. She reads the comments I leave on yours. She believes my comments to be overtly sexual in nature, overly flirtatious and says "we both know where this will lead." She wants to know why I leave "comments like that" and wonders if I do it "to feed my male ego". Last night it was made very clear that she does not trust me and does not believe I have any honor. My comments hurt her and she is very angry that I refuse to stop and am not willing to make any concessions.

I feel I've done nothing wrong, have done nothing to hurt her, and therefore don't need to make any concessions or adjust my behavior.

And now I'm at a loss. I'm in danger of losing her..and may have already done so. But I can't live without trust. I am nothing if I am not trustworthy and honorable. I have never cheated. Ever. I was with the same woman for eleven years, most of them in a fairly sexless marriage, and I never strayed, even though my needs weren't being met in the bedroom. I had plenty of opportunities, and even the desire, but I had made my commitment and I honored it.

I will admit that I am flirtatious by nature. I like women. I prefer their company to men. But I am not lecherous, not a predator and have never pushed the issue when the answer is no. I've slept with less than a dozen women in my life. I'm picky like that.

I am tired of defending myself. Stormy, if you read this you have a choice to make. I didn't sleep last night at all. I cried for a good deal of it. I went over and over the things that were said, tried to listen to them as an outsider, tried to distance myself from the hurt, pain and mistrust I felt. Maybe my ego is too big, maybe my brain doesn't work, but I can't see that I've done any wrong. These folks I blog with and converse with on-line are no more than friends. I enjoy reading their blogs and leaving comments. Some of the comments are flirtatious, but that's as far as it goes. I hope you can understand that.

I leave you with one more quote from Hamlet:

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so".

We have nothing without trust.


M. PotPie