Phone Call

Don't do it, don't do it...stupid stupid stupid idea....I'm saying these things to myself, in my head, but my mouth won't listen, determined to continue on it's pathetic journey. The words come out sounding hollow and needy in my ears.

"I think you should come over."I close my eyes and see her bow her head, her shoulders sag (those strong, freckled shoulders) and I can hear the inaudible sigh.

"I....don't think so. No, no."

"Why not? You're doing nothing, I'm doing nothing, we can do nothing together."

"We did nothing for ten years. I'd rather do something now, with someone."

It hurts. But I don't care anymore. I've lived with the pain so long I'm used to it, like a rotten tooth it throbs and aches every day, but it won't stop me from eating.

"Come on, we'll just hang out, I won't bite."

Oh my god, I'm pathetic. Why can't I just shut up? Now she'll say something purposefully mean to show me she means business.

"Look, don't even try to tell me you just want to be friends. Do you think I'm an idiot? I'll come over, you'll keep my glass full of booze...we'll eat, sit down, watch a movie..you'll start to rub my shoulders and I'll get uncomfortable waiting for the inevitable breath on my neck, behind my ears. I'm done with that. I'm done with you. You need to accept that and move on. I'm not in love with you now, and the more time we spend apart I question whether I ever was."

What did I tell you? Always a good shot, that girl. But do I stop? Hell no!

"Fair enough, fair enough. I understand how you feel." Uh oh, the salesman is coming out. "But tell me something: Is it me you're afraid of...or yourself? Afraid you'll give in, have a good time and regret it tomorrow? Or maybe you won't regret it but will pretend you do because you can't ever admit when you're wrong?"

We had never fought in all the time we were married, but now I had some perverse desire to pick a fight and hear her yell at me. Hell, at least it would be an emotional reaction.

"Look, I'm not coming over, ok? Shit, you make me hate the fact that I even called you. I feel some stupid obligation, some duty to you, to make sure you're ok. But that's it. That. Is. It. I'm not coming back, I'm not changing my mind. Goodbye."

There's a pause before she hangs up..of course I'm waiting for "I'm sorry" but it never comes. Just a click and a dial tone.

There's always tomorrow.


M. PotPie