God & Me

So I had a nice, long conversation with the almighty last night over a few Guinness and a pack of Camel Lights out on my deck. Sure, it was about fifteen degrees and snowing, but that deity puts off a lot of heat so it was ok. I didn't even need a hat. I thought I'd share the conversation with you.

Me: "Sooo. God. That's gotta be tough."

Him: "That's putting it lightly. You'd be amazed at how many selfish, self-serving, greedly little bastards are running around. If I hear one more fucking prayer to win a lottery I'll shit."

Me: "I hear you. Well, not that people pray to me, but they bitch at me all day about wanting money. I'm a loan officer, so it's kind of the same thing. People walking in with all these sob stories about needing money or their kids will have no christmas, blah blah blah. Say, I've always wondered, what does your son think about this holiday?"

Him: "Who, Jesus? We don't talk much anymore. Ever since his mother and I separated...well, things got weird. He started calling Joseph 'dad', and they were hanging out all the time. I figured I'd just back off and let him come to Me when he was ready. But you know kids, they only call when they're in trouble."

Me: "Actually I have no kids, so I don't know, but I can empathize. Need another beer?"

Him: "Yeah, thanks. Can I bum another smoke from you?"

Me: "Help yourself."

Him: "These things are gonna kill me one day, but I just can't quit."

Me: "Say what? Kill you? Seriously? But...you're, like, almighty!"

Him: "Yeah, but do you have any idea how much crap is in these? Hell, there's stuff in there that I sure as hell never created!"

Me: "Wow. But that does raise an interesting question. So which is it, creation or evolution?"

Him: "Ah, yes, the eternal, unanswerable question."

Me: "I thought that was "Why are we here?"

Him: "Oh..right. Anyway, it's both. Or neither. Whatever you want to believe. To be perfectly frank, I don't recall. I'm not sure if I created the Earth or was born when the Earth came together."

Me: "I see. So what about the why we're here bit?"

Him: "Hell, I don't know why I'm here! What makes you think I know why you're here?"

Me: "I thought you knew everything?"

Him: "Man, I smoked that part of my brain away long ago. So let me ask you this: What's it like being human?"

Me: "Well, sometimes it's cool, but most of the time it's...well..nothing. You just live, day to day, and hope nothing horrible happens. I'm not saying I cower in fear all day being paranoid and shit, but life is crazy sometimes. You're born, you live, you die."

Him: "Yeah, sometimes I wonder about the whole 'free will' bit. But to be honest I can't keep track of everyone anyway. You people are like rabbits the way you multiply."


There was some more conversation, but mostly it was just two guys (well, he looked like a guy) hanging out, drinking beer and bullshitting. Oh, one thing, turns out He hates NASCAR but loves golf. I guess that explains His shirt. I think He's coming by on Sunday to watch football at my place; He says watching football helps drown out the sound of all the people in church. So if you have any questions for Him, let me know and I'll ask Him.


M. PotPie