It's Just Me

You know when people start a comment with "Maybe it's just me, but...."? Well I found out today that it is just me. I'm the only one. Now I'm certain the James Taylor song "You are the Only One" is about me. So is that stupid Carly Simon song, "You're so Vain". Though I've never worn an apricot colored scarf.

What brought on this epiphany, you ask? I'll tell you. First of all, I was (and am) out of weed. So, like any good stoner I decided it was time to scrape my bowl. After 10 minutes of grueling work I had a nice, sticky little ball of resin to set fire to. While raising the lighter to the bowl, it suddenly occured to me: I have a roach in the ashtray in my truck. Yes! I put the pipe down and put on my sandals to go outside. Every time I put on my sandals my dog thinks we're going for a walk. Needless to say, he gets excited. Being a big dog this excitement sometimes moves the furniture, in this case the table my bowl was resting on. Plop! On the floor goes the bowl. Plop! On the floor goes my delicious resin ball, which is now covered in dog hair and no longer delicious.
"A pox on you, foolish canine!" I always talk that way to him. He seems to like it. "There will be no walking today!" I stomp out to my truck and discover that the roach no longer occupies the ashtray. "A pox on you as well, short term memory!" I stomp back into my apartment, walk heavily past my sheepish dog and look at the resin ball. Can it be saved? Alas, it cannot, and I can't stand smoking dog hair. A cry of purest agony escapes my lips. I turn on the radio to console myself, thinking perhaps music can give me a spiritual lift. However, try as I might, I cannot locate a station that is not playing a commercial. Except the country music stations, which I abhor. Besides, everyone knows that country music is for the gays and the soon-to-be-gays. And the gays who don't know that they're gays.

So you see, it is just me. The world, the Gaia spirit that I don't believe in, is conspiring against me. And because the spirit is stupid, it can only concentrate on ruining one life at a time. Mine. It is just me.

M. PotPie