Oops, It's Not a Cold

Ok, so I lied, I have no cold. It can't be a cold, not after four days, so it must be some sort of horrible sickness, some alien virus that infects my very blood.

And my ass hurts, too. Not a good hurt, like a woman's finger...more like prison rape. So what sort of sickness has these symptoms: Runny nose, itchy, watery eyes, lethargy and ass pain. What sort? Ass flu? But my ass is not runny, only painful.

I'm fairly sure I haven't been abducted..certainly my dog would've told me that, wouldn't he? Perhaps put up some sort of fight to help me avoid the abduction..or bark, at the very least. He is canny, my dog, and foul trickeration is not beneath him. I think he still harbors a grudge about the whole castration thing, so perhaps he has tricked me and is silently laughing at me and my sickness.

Or maybe I'm gay sleep-walking. What if, after I fall asleep, I put on chaps, a cowboy hat and a fake moustache and go cruising the rest stops? Not only would this explain the horrible sickness that I could easily have obtained from the dirty bathrooms, it would also explain the ass pain.

Oh shit. I'm gay sleep-walking.

Please, if you see a monkey wearing the afore-mentioned outfit late at night in a rest stop bathroom, take him home. His address is written inside the brim of his cowboy hat.


M. PotPie