Phone Call

Don't do it, don't do it...stupid stupid stupid
idea....

I'm saying these things to myself, in my head, but my
mouth won't listen, determined to continue on it's
pathetic journey. The words come out sounding hollow
and needy in my ears.

"I think you should come over."

I close my eyes and see her bow her head, her
shoulders sag (those strong, freckled shoulders) and I
can hear the inaudible sigh.

"I....don't think so. No, no."

"Why not? You're doing nothing, I'm doing nothing, we
can do nothing together."

"We did nothing for ten years. I'd rather do
something now, with someone."

It hurts. But I don't care anymore. I've lived with
the pain so long I'm used to it, like a rotten tooth
it throbs and aches every day, but it won't stop me
from eating. "Come on, we'll just hang out, I won't
bite." Oh my god, I'm pathetic. Why can't I just
shut up? Now she'll say something purposefully mean
to show me she means business.

"Look, don't even try to tell me you just want to be
friends. Do you think I'm an idiot? I'll come over,
you'll keep my glass full of booze...we'll eat, sit
down, watch a movie..you'll start to rub my shoulders
and I'll get uncomfortable waiting for the inevitable
breath on my neck, behind my ears. I'm done with
that. I'm done with you. You need to accept that and
move on. I'm not in love with you now, and the more
time we spend apart I question whether I ever was."

What did I tell you? Always a good shot, that girl.
But do I stop? Hell no! "Fair enough, fair enough.
I understand how you feel." Uh oh, the salesman is
coming out. "But tell me something: Is it me you're
afraid of...or yourself? Afraid you'll give in, have
a good time and regret it tomorrow? Or maybe you
won't regret it but will pretend you do because you
can't ever admit when you're wrong?" We had never
fought in all the time we were married, but now I had
some perverse desire to pick a fight and hear her yell
at me. Hell, at least it would be an emotional
reaction.

"Look, I'm not coming over, ok? Shit, you make me
hate the fact that I even called you. I feel some
stupid obligation, some duty to you, to make sure
you're ok. But that's it. That. Is. It. I'm not
coming back, I'm not changing my mind. Goodbye."

There's a pause before she hangs up..of course I'm
waiting for "I'm sorry" but it never comes. Just a
click and a dial tone.

There's always tomorrow.